The decade 2008-2018 it’s safe to say has been a hard one both for myself and for the world as a whole. I’ll tell you about the difficulties in my life during these years.
I was into a boardgame called Diplomacy at the time until I realised a number of years later how much of it is stupid but anyway at the time I would like to post on forums of it but people were calling my posts inane repeatedly (I just wanted to post in a verbose way as I was a Kant fanboy at the time) and getting aggressive with me and would split hairs. Eventually I left these forums and it furthered my hatred of humanity as if offline experience and the incessant petty partisan politics on the internet and floods of new atheist blasphemy and polemics weren’t enough. Alas without the internet there isn’t much for me to do so I got stuck essentially living on the internet.
At some point I was on a hikikomori forum and spent time on the IRC channel linked to it but I left after one night in the chat a few of them were saying that God was sexy and I told them to stop, a nice woman from Belgium asked them to change the subject but they didn’t and so I quit. This was the year I left school (the first time, I think) in 2009 or so.
From 2013 to 2015 I was on the Sailor Moon wiki and was close with 4 users there but got fed up of the bad temper and jealousy of one user and how much a new user kept repeating himself so eventually I left on the 3rd of February 2015. Now we were making a game together and I hadn’t quit from that but only 2 of us were really doing any work so on the 9th November 2015 I quit that too and decided to just contact them on Tumblr. One of them, the one I was closest with, I got the feeling didn’t want to talk to me any more but didn’t tell me straight out. Another one I sometimes contacted on Skype text chat but we ended up contacting less and less not because of a fight or anything it just sort of happened. I got fed up of Tumblr being full of moonbats so I left Tumblr too.
I had quit school due to bad health and social anxiety (though I didn’t realise at the time that I had coeliac disease or what social anxiety was) but then in 2008 or 9 someone had the idea of me typing on a laptop instead of writing because of I having asperger’s and after a few practice tries at typing in the computer room I was back in school but bad health eventually meant I had to quit in my 2nd try at 5th year (I had missed school here and there due to sickness over the years) but my father wasn’t happy as he was obsessed with how well I’d do in school and got his friend the principal over. I argued with him, him constantly saying he wanted me back in school but not giving me any good reason to come back and eventually I had enough and got angry and he said he wanted me back in school and didn’t want any tantrum (I wasn’t throwing a tantrum, I was legitimately angry at him not getting the message) and I don’t remember what happened next but a minute later he went. During the argument he said something about ruling the roost and in 2018, I think, Mom told me that Dad had said to him that I was ruling the roost. A good one out of him since as Mom told me in an earlier year he never did any housework even though Mom was always struggling to do it having coeliac disease.
My parents were their usual selves in these times. I should have picked up that there was something wrong in the marriage when Dad was not sleeping in the same room as Mom but had his own room (what used to be the garage but had been done up). One morning in 2010 or so Mom brought us 3 brothers down to the hallway and standing outside Dad’s room told us that he would be moving out. I asked for how long and she said forever. I felt on the one hand that this would be a disaster as I had often heard of family breakdowns being hard and I felt on the other that having to only live with one of them (we would live with Mom but every 2nd weekend go with Dad) would be better than living with both of them as I couldn’t stand either of them. Unfortunately it was the former that was right. Mom became even more bad tempered than usual (which didn’t help my nervous disposition and in the early 2010’s she would even get mad for 3 days straight at the same thing) and would spend ages in the toilet (nothing new) but she had said that the downstairs toilet would be hers and we would use the upstairs one but then she went using both of them and so oftentimes I’d need to use the toilet but she’d be on what was supposed to be the boys’ toilet so I couldn’t go. She would also wipe her vagina a lot for some reason and that would leave a horrible smell and on her period would leave a lot of bloodied paper on the floor which one time even went into my bed as at the time I went around in socks. I decided then that when I went in I’d sweep the bloodpaper into the corner from now on. One year she got around to fixing her ensuite and then didn’t use our toilet (apart from a few times) after that.
There was also legal pressure with Mom being paranoid of me walking to the shop when nobody else was in the house (I had taken to walking to the shop one time when there wasn’t any rubbish food so I felt I had to go myself even though having social anxiety I assumed people would insult me as they had done in primary school but actually they didn’t and so it’s something I’m still doing today though not as much) in case Dad would steal important documents (even though he didn’t live near enough to do that, in broad daylight too, I might add. We also had financial worries but she didn’t tell me this until 2017 or so (?) It’s an awful habit of people to not tell me something but then have me act as if I did know it.
One day in 2011 perhaps Mom brought me chips form a local chipper that we sometimes went to (myself and Dad went there when he started taking me to the cinema Wednesday nights too) but as I was in my room talking to her I then turned around and saw my key was all of a sudden gone. It had been there before I turned around and so I knew she had taken it, I told her to give it back but she wouldn’t and I told her (truthfully) that I’d go on hunger strike unless she gave it back. She said if I ate the food she’d give it back. I did eat the food but she didn’t give it back (also during that first trip to the hospital for ingrown toes I made some deal with the people there but they didn’t follow through on their end though I had on mine and caught one about to put a needle in me without my consent). I had had enough of her what with now I not being able to even turn around for a minute without something happening and the next day packed DVDs into what was my school sack which had become a bag for taking to Dad’s mother’s house. I told Mom I was leaving and she was saying something like couldn’t I change my mind and I said no and she said she’d miss me. I rang Dad to live with him, he didn’t give a straight answer (typical him) and knowing his passive aggressive self I got the feeling that the answer was no and so I unpacked my DVDs. We agreed that Mom wouldn’t take my stuff any more and I would continue living with her but with no key. For a year after that though I still got worried when I heard her go upstairs near my room and would often check but nothing happened. She said to me at some point that the principal of the school I’d left was behind her taking the key.
Dad would do stuff like not take us when he should (and his mother’s house was damp and dull even for a house with no game console) and eventually I got fed up of it. One day I was in the kitchen grilling burgers and Mom went to get them which I didn’t want as she often would go out of the toilet when the phone would ring (eventually I realised to take it off the hook but just one time I thought it would be OK but it did ring and she went to get it) or someone would be at the door so I didn’t want bacteria going where my hand would be. She made some sort of hand gesture like throwing something and I had enough so rang up my father to tell him I wanted nothing more to do with him (this was 2011 or 2012) as that night we had been told of something like he was supposed to take us but didn’t.
At the primary school the youngest brother was at Mom struggled to get a special needs assistant for him (like me he has asperger’s) and apparently he was being bullied by snas or something so eventually Mom switched his school and that was a major help.
Eventually in 2013 things got stable but some year later our housekeeper that worked out well left (we badly needed one as the house was a mess and Mom was as ever in bad health, we had 2 before her back in the pre-2013 years but Mom didn’t think too highly of them even though we needed any help we could get, I don’t remember what year the one Mom was happy with started) but we were able to manage. I don’t know how we made it through those years without I literally going insane or just dying but I thank God or what/whomever got us through it that we did. Also we’ve got a lot of cleaning done over the years though the kitchen seems to be messed no matter how hard we work on it but the playroom went from disgrace to very neat due to I tidying it a lot one Summer by shifting the stuff into what was Dad’s bedroom but then we cleaned that as well. In June 2018 we got rid of the couch in the playroom as there hadn’t been multiple people on it since the 00’s and that gave even more space there. (Once while extending the house to give Dad an office for his wedding video business, which I hated as when he’d go off to it at weekends Mom would be even more cross than usual, the playroom was changed a bit with the door being too near the computer table and so that got fixed after a week or two).
In the last few years Mom has been less annoying and so we get on better. I wouldn’t say well just yet but maybe some day we’ll get along well again like we did in the 90’s.
Some year (2010 maybe) before I had cut ties with Dad one day I was in my room with the Matrix DVDs which I had got one Christmas in the late 00’s. Mom came in and seeing one of them had a baby on it was concerned (Mom has this tendency to think the worst possible outcome is the most likely one). When I came back to my room later on it was gone and then later in the day I came back again and all of my Matrix DVDs were gone. I had a look in one of Mom’s drawers and there they were and I realised that all these years DVDs and games that I thought had gone missing were actually taken by her on the quiet (though back in the 00’s when my Medal Of Honor Allied Assault games went missing she did admit to that after a few weeks and I add that I was old enough to play those games). I gave out to her about this and then she didn’t so it again. I get that people want to protect other people but I hadn’t actually been playing any games or DVDs that would be bad for one’s morals.
From 2012-2017 or so (2015-2107 were the most boring years of my life) I looked at a lot of anime, tv programs, songs, books and movies that I hadn’t seen before plus some retro games on sites. The only ones I ended up liking were Drinking in LA, Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole, Levels by Avicii (RIP), the first season of Haganai and that’s about it while the vast majority (over 95%) of entertainment that I did like already I ended up not liking. I did see huge amounts of ones that were either OK or poor quality as well as coming across a lot with bad morals (in particular American sitcoms). As of the 18th June 2018 my ratings are as follows:
In 2013 I stopped calling myself an anime fan.
5: 2% (6)
4: 6% (19)
3: 71% (205)
2: 10% (29)
1: 10% (29)
In 2016 and 2017 I played a lot of free to play games on Google Play and none of these worked out in the end.
There were times when I wanted to quit youtube entirely what with its toxic community, especially the new atheists (who led me to quit icanhascheeseburger and later quickmeme) in the late 00’s and the alt right in the late 2010’s (who led me to quit memecenter and imgflip in 2018) but I never left youtube for longer than a day.
After leaving school (2009 or 10) then I didn’t get colds as often, getting colds a lot had been a problem all my life (possibly from my father’s mother’s house, which we often visited on Sunday, being damp though I didn’t realise it was damp until my Mom told me some year during the 2010’s.
One Winter the youngest brother got insulin dependant diabetes (apparently Dad not visiting him in hospital was the final straw in the relationship) and so Mom would give him injections. Twice or three times she stabbed herself with the needle by accident and so went for blood tests but she didn’t catch anything but from bending down to give him the injections for a few years before switching to giving him injections on her bed it hurt her knees and we ended up not walking together which is still the case.
In the year after I left school due to poor health (2009 or 2010) I woke up in a strange state; hungry, needing the toilet and tired. I had said this to my Mom and she said maybe I have coeliac disease (a number of years later she realised that she also had it and apologised to me for being so grumpy the past number of years and that it was an explanation and not an excuse and I forgave her). I then tried not eating bread and sure enough the daily stomachpains and lack of energy went away though for a year I didn’t bother checking my rubbish food so that still gave me gluten reaction but then I did check it and stopped eating rubbish with gluten in it except for a little bit a few times and that went fine. Unfortunately I’ve been comfort eating and drinking fizzy drinks since Mom and Dad split up and so that led to me feeling the need to exercise (since I got my punchingbag for my 21st birthday in 2013) to not get diabetes and so a lot of the time I’ve been weak but also been active with finding entertainment and clicktivism (I started clicktivism in 2008 having discovered social activism having coming across Debito Arudou during my 00’s japanophile phase). In 2018 I decided to take things more easy and head to bed if I need to.
In the Summer of 2017 I realised that what I thought were colds that I got during the Summer were actually hay fever and now thankfully I can just take antihistamine to keep these away.
During the hard early 00’s I would wear my underpants for 3 weeks at a time rather than one day at a time so Mom would have less work but this turned out to be a false economy as it gave Mom work cleaning the stains. In 2017 I tried going back to wearing them for a day at a time and I felt physically better and Mom was happy to not have to clean the stains before putting them in the washing machine.
The depression that I had since 2001 (but it wasn’t officially diagnosed until a few years ago when I had said ”Screw everything” and I was indeed in an even worse way than usual, Mom brought the doctor around and then after I saw a note saying ”(My real name) has clinical depression” when I turned around again the note was gone but I had seen it the first time.
In the Summer of 2014 since I had been wearing my socks all day including in bed and it was a very hot Summer I was rubbing my feet together to sort out the discomfort from sweating in them. I ended up getting a blister in one of my feet which was very painful and Mom got a doctor around and he told me not to look down. I didn’t know what was about to happen but I did’t and he went popping the blister which was also very painful and I wanted to stop right away. It did give some relief though. On the day when we went to the hospital first I was too nervous as it would involve anaesthesia (I had refused an operation on ingrown toenails a number of years previous since I’m very afraid of needles before accepting one the next time as it would be gas anaesthesia instead. I ended up vomiting out of the car window on the way home and my toes didn’t recover for about a week during which time I played Knights of the Old Republic II which my Dad got me that day of the operation in hospital. It seemed a good idea at the time since I’m a Star Wars fan and reading the manual in the hospital while waiting to be discharged it sounded good but it turned out to be a terrible game.) and so I decided not to have it. At one point Mom went out of the room with the nurses and I reckoned this would be to think of a plan to get me to comply (Mom can be very sneaky) though of course they denied it when I put it to them. Eventually they decided I’d have the operation but done differently and in the soft tissue clinic. I went to that also very nervous (and a second blister had developed on my other foot) but I got myself as comfortable as could be and in a position with a firm grip on the armrests to cling tightly to so I could hold still. The operation was very painful, especially during the parts where the disinfectant was poured on my open wounds, the worst physical pain I’ve ever been in, but I got through it. Since then I stopped wearing socks and wear sandals instead of shoes. Stepping on the floor barefoot felt cold for a few weeks and I took a few weeks to learn to walk properly again and not in the way I had been walking while one foot was blistered.
Unfortunately during these years my addictions to porn and masturbation which I had since I was 11 or 12 continued albeit decreased. Good news came though in the form of I deciding instead of having a bath whenever I’d have one once a month and then changed to once a week though I don’t remember what years I made these changes. Late 2010’s anyway.
Suicides and Deaths
It was in the 2010’s that an uncle on my mother’s side died a day after having a heart attack. He had struggles with gambling and eating and of course this caused my mother a lot of pain over the years but I hadn’t known of his problems until he died.
The 28th February 2016 meant the death of Frank Kelly, Fr. Jack Hackett from Father Ted, my favourite comedy.
On the 27th December 2016 Carrie Fisher, Princess Leia from Star Wars films died and being a big fan of episodes IV, V and VI I was sad.
On the 20th July 2017 Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park who were a band I liked killed himself and during the same week an aunt on my father’s side died of cancer and as you can imagine this was devastating and made worse by the fact that I didn’t know that Chester was having issues or that my aunt was going to die so soon; I thought she was going to be alive a few more weeks.
When Avicii died or killed himself on the 20th April 2018 I was in shock for about 8 hours; I only liked his song Levels but I hadn’t known that he was having problems.
In the 00’s I had read of first mortal and then the eternal sin, both of which traumatised me (I have been masturbating since around 2004 and watching porn since first year) and came with intrusive thoughts but I dealt with each, through getting used to the ideas and in the latter case forfeiting my free will to sin but I hadn’t known that it doesn’t work that way; taking away free will makes someone a robot. In the Summer of 2014 I had been reading about how other religions viewed the end times and was troubled by a verse in the Qur’an saying that non-Muslims would not be saved but another verse said we would. As for going to hell for choosing the wrong religion well we don’t have the knowledge of God/gods but He/they do so I hope that if people have through no fault of their own chosen the wrong religion that they/we be shown mercy if they/we’re good people even if objectively that isn’t enough to save someone. I decide that was as good an answer as I could give and got on with my life.
Something (some winter) got me thinking about the eternal sin again and eventually realising that it’s simply dying not feeling sorry for your sins and not actually blaspheming against the Holy Spirit in thought (which constant intrusive thoughts would make me do, I also had intrusive thoughts during the time of discovering mortal sins and my first grapple with eternal sin) or in speech is why the first time I discovered it I tried not to breathe. Shortly after this one night I was lying in bed and breathing freely and noticed this was making me feel better so I continued breathing heavily and felt very good and had clearer thoughts. I then realised that I had a lack of oxygen and had just restored it and since then my thoughts have been clearer though I still have a tendency to dwell on things and get intrusive thoughts a little.
Reading about my faith cheered me up and strengthened my faith as did reading about philosophy on Wikipedia in the late 00’s and then thinking thoughts and asking ”Is this compatible with Church teaching”? and being certain that I was right in what I was thinking and that it was indeed compatible with Church teaching I would get more and more convinced that Catholicism is logical.
During a recent year I looked up hatred, hatred of humanity being one of the deepest and longest running things in my life, since some point in primary school. Until then I thought that ”I don’t know if it’s wrong or not but in any case I can’t help it.” Turns out that hatred of other people is a mortal sin and right away I decided I would give it up then and there which is what happened and since then not hating anyone has made me feel less bad.
Mass was always hard due to I having social anxiety and since one doesn’t have to go to mass if ill and a mental illness is as real and valid as a physical one I’ve mostly stopped going to Church (since 2010 maybe) but would like to go weekly again or even daily. I pray daily, not at any fixed time, for help for me or humanity in general or for people in my family or people who have hurt me. I also forgive people since I too would like to be forgiven of bad things that I have done. Hopefully I’ll do religious events in future. I went to confession a few times during the struggle with the idea of mortal sin period and then stopped after the confessor seemed pretty angry the 5th or so time (I went once every Saturday during that period) then during the second eternal sin trouble time I went once to a new priest’s house for confession there and got a lot out which was a relief, at the office or something in the church a few days later during which he ended with asking the Lord to grant me pardon and peace, with peace stressed and I confessed to him at his house one more time, I don’t remember when (either before or after that I went to confess to him before a mass but he had to go so I confessed to a different priest). It was true that I was in big need of peace, after all as he said that time in the church a person only needs to go to confession once a week. Alas I didn’t go to confession after that (apart from going into a confession box to get my sins forgiven at some year, 2017 maybe, it was Christmas so people’s sins were being forgiven without them having to confess) as it makes me nervous (bad excuse perhaps and if so I apologise) and of course I get more nervous than most people. If only I had made weekly confession a habit at some point.
In the Summer of 2017 I was reading the wisdom books in the Bible (I don’t often read the Bible but I should) and read Ecclesiastes. I have never read a better book filled with more wisdom in all my life. The best experience of my life I would say, most useful anyway.
Politics, Authority and Institutions
People in Ireland don’t think too highly of authority and I used to write this off as mindless populism but in 2018 having seen so much incompetence and even malice from people we’re supposed to trust I also mistrust authority (but not the Church as I’m convinced that they do value each person’s life equally and genuinely do care about the people under their care, certain scandals aside and priests have been the nicest people I’ve met) as much as I mistrust the average person.
(I won’t go into foreign politics as that would make this article even longer).
When the crash hit in September 2008 the Fianna Fail-Green coalition supported by some independents (the PDs had collapsed by this time) decided on austerity; for the working and middle class but not the rich. The country went from having too many houses (ghost estates) to having too few. Debt, emigration and unemployment were high (at one point unemployment fell just because emigration was so high). All the while Anglo Irish Bank was bailed out. Whether or not refusing to do so would have made things even worse; in a free market economy if you’re too big to fail you’re too big. After the 2011 election there was a change of government but there was still austerity and bailing out of Anglo.
I hardly need to mention the perennially poor state of the health service or the education system.
In 2015 the government, supported by all political parties that had seats in the Dail and most organisations that took a position, pushed for gay marriage and this was approved by the voters 62.07-37.93 and then for 2 years you didn’t hear the end of it. A country over 75% Catholic went against Church teaching on a non-negotiable issue; marriage is for the benefit of the children and not the parents and since same-sex couples can’t naturally conceive children they shouldn’t be allowed to marry.
In 2018 it was the same but with abortion the issue this time. The yes side said that supporting the referendum meant choosing the future; ironically this is a future that less people will be around to see because of what they’ve done. What cold comofrts can be gone from it are these; less people will have gay marriages now (though it would have been far better if they would be allowed to be born in the first place) and no matter what horror happens to any of us in our personal lives, no matter what bad bill this or any future government passes it won’t be as bad as a people voting just under 2-1 to kill its unborn children.
Until 2013 or so I was a patriot. Nowadays I realise that in this country some lives are worth more than others.
I could elaborate more on some points and there were other problems but this post is very long as it is.
- ”Hatred is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”.
- Worldly things are fleeting and lacking substance. At the end of the day all we have are our talents, values, relationships with people, our beliefs and God.
- ”If you’re going through hell keep going.” – Winston Churchill
- ”You’re stronger than you think.” – Jordan Peterson
- Forgive everybody everything. Other people will hurt you a lot but not forgiving will mean what they did will hurt you even more.
- Not much can be done by oneself even as an adult. Never forget that there’s so wide a world out there beyond your front door.
- Earthly authorities may be deserving of your obedience but only supernatural authorities are worthy of your trust.